Manners on Metro North

Written by Joe Pisani
Thursday, 18 March 2010 00:00

I’m not Miss Manners, but over the years, I’ve seen some scary changes in commuter etiquette. Nowadays, it’s “commuters gone wild,” and a train ride on Metro-North can be like a mini-Mardi Gras, especially after a Yankees game or the St. Patrick’s Day Parade.

Once upon a time, middle-aged men sat silently in their seats, reading The Wall Street Journal or The New York Times, and caused no disturbances. It was like a Benedictine monastery. There was no crunching, no munching, no arguing, no snoring, no sexual shenanigans, just an occasional boisterous card game. Times have changed.

Commuter etiquette is an obsession with me, largely because I’m held prisoner 18 hours a week on the train, tossing and turning, bumping and grinding my way into and out of Manhattan. Sometimes it feels like I’ve been doing it since FDR was president, or at least Jimmy Carter.

Investing in kids or chickens

Written by Joe Pisani
Thursday, 11 March 2010 01:00

Sometimes I wonder where all my money went over the years, money that could have made me a multimillionaire -- money I squandered on familiar vices like smoking, drinking, gambling, carousing ... raising kids.

Yes, I’m convinced it was the four kids that put me behind the Eight Ball.

A popular topic of conversation among parents, particularly those plodding through middle age, is the seemingly unending costs of parenting, which can include tuition payments, car insurance, health insurance, rent subsidies, clothes, iPods and, of course, junk food.

Here come the Millennials

Written by Joe Pisani
Thursday, 04 March 2010 01:00

The big day is coming — it may even be today — when the Baby Boomers, who occupied the world stage for some 60 years, will be pushed aside by the next demographic tour de force, the so-called Millennial Generation, all 80 million of them born between 1981 and 2000, who are reshaping America. Or so I’m told.

Many of us have one or two or three of them in our families — I have four. Some of them we support, some we wish we didn’t have to support, and some we hope will support us someday, although that may be wishful thinking.

Nevertheless, they are the future, and it’s wise to look the future in the eye, especially if they’re going to subsidize our Social Security checks.

The favorite son problem

Written by Joe Pisani
Thursday, 25 February 2010 01:00

At a Fat Tuesday party, while the booze flowed freely and we debated healthcare reform, corporate bonuses and what we’d give up for Lent (not much by some accounts), the conversation got ugly when someone brought up a sore family topic, the agonizing question — who was Mom’s favorite?

Old wounds were reopened and new ones inflicted because of lifelong jealousies. And poor Mom, who’s not around to defend herself, got all the blame.

Currying Mom’s favor is our first training in how to get ahead in life. It teaches us the smarmy skills we’ll need as adults to get the girl, to get the guy, to get the promotion, to get the biggest piece of ice cream cake and to get the inheritance. It teaches us how to succeed by sucking up.

Tube tied?

Written by Joe Pisani
Thursday, 18 February 2010 01:00

Since that fateful day when I went crazy and tossed the TV out on the front lawn and denied my daughters their constitutionally guaranteed right to mindless distractions and foolishness like Jerry Springer and MTV, our lives took a turn for the better — well, at least mine did. I was finally a free man.

I grew up in a family that had five TVs, and they were always on, which means to say our home resembled the electronics department at Best Buy. I didn’t want my kids to share that pain — although they begged to — so I canceled our cable service, which gave me extra money for sinful pleasures like chocolate-covered doughnuts, leather-bound books and lottery tickets.

Salad security

Written by Joe Pisani
Thursday, 11 February 2010 16:36

This far into the year, I’m hesitant to write about my New Year’s resolutions just in case I fall flat on my face and end up returning to my old habits. You see, the odds are against me since 30% of all resolutions are ancient history by March, and 75% are eventually abandoned.

What’s left of loyalty?

Written by Joe Pisani
Thursday, 04 February 2010 01:00

On the torturous train ride home, I ran into a guy I hadn’t seen in months. There’s always a sense of relief when you meet a long-lost fellow commuter and learn you both still have jobs or the bank hasn’t foreclosed on your homes or nobody kicked the bucket. These have become the small joys of life.

As we were getting off the train, I noticed that the shopping bag he has holding contained a large baby-blue box.

“Something from Tiffany’s for your wife?” I asked.

“It’s mine,” he said. “The company gave it to me for celebrating 10 years of service.”

Old age ain’t for sissies

Written by Joe Pisani
Thursday, 28 January 2010 01:00

Now that baby boomers from Bill Clinton to Bruce Springsteen — and let’s not forget Hillary Clinton and Mick Jagger — are plodding into their senior years, there’s a lot of soul-searching about growing old, as if no one ever did it before.

There are movies and books and how-to guides about the perils and pitfalls and joys of aging — there must be a few joys, right?

Meryl Streep, who succeeded Diane Keaton as the poster girl of graceful aging, recently appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair, glamorously air-brushed and exulting, “I’m 60, and I’m playing the romantic lead! Bette Davis is rolling over in her grave!” Poor Bette Davis.

From da Vinci to ‘da’ Jersey Shore

Written by Joe Pisani
Thursday, 21 January 2010 01:00

Early Monday morning, my boss said he had a top-secret assignment for me, and that afternoon, I was flying to the land of my ancestors, a.k.a. Italy, where I walked the streets of Milan in search of my roots ... not to mention a good dish of risotto. Of course, I did some work, too.

I’ve been thinking about my heritage ever since the reality TV show Jersey Shore started making headlines over the scandalous exploits of eight Italian-Americans with fake tans, spiked hair, sweaty muscles and too much cleavage.

With names like “Snooki” and “J-WOWW,” you’d think their ethnic roots could be traced back to the South Jersey dog pound rather than the land that inspired Byron and Shelley.

Life more ordinary

Written by Joe Pisani
Thursday, 14 January 2010 01:00

A friend of a friend of a friend — or something like that — had a relative with lots of money, so much money he was ranked as one of the top 500 executives in the world, or maybe it was one of the top 500 executives in south Jersey.

He was clearly a force to be reckoned with when it came to the time-honored tradition of making money.

While she was at lunch with him and his wife, she spent the greater part of the afternoon listening to them talk about success — his successes, their mutual successes, the successes of their children and their upcoming successes. That’s a lot of success to endure. Needless to say, it made for a tremendously boring lunch, listening to them brag nonstop.